Nothing But the Truth
I would really like to tell you that I am perfect. But you and I know, there is no perfect in being human except being the way you are.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone I truly love. A woman, who makes me proud. A grown-up girl, who has gone through things and has overcome stuff. I don‘t think of it as an achievement. It’s about appreciating who I have become. It‘s about me feeling worth to deserve the best in life. It’s about letting go of any destructive behavior towards me and others. Don’t think this state-of-mind came easily to me! No, it has been a long time coming.
I have always been consistent in pursuing my happiness. Even in dark times, when I couldn‘t see any light in front of me, I knew: It is out there. Shining. Maybe to some of you that sounds cheesy, but to those who have been in the darkness, it probably doesn’t.
P!nk’s song ‚Happy’ tells a story that sounds a lot like mine and hit me right in the heart, you guys. I too am afraid of my own body sometimes, even hated it for not feeling the way I would like it to. I too have been scared to heal for a very long time. I also figured that I am scared to be happy because I am afraid to lose all over again.
All the sweet, little fortune – gone in seconds. The six-year-old me running home from a friend’s farm and just minutes later collapsing of an asthma attack. Getting cuddles from my mother and years later being abandoned by the very same person. Hundreds of incidents, significant or not, probably broke my trust towards life and left me miserable at the time.
Don’t get me wrong! There are at least a dozen people, who I hurt deeply too: My first love, whom I betrayed and lied to and whom I left with a bleeding heart. The sweet boy who fell for me and whom I rejected bitterly for it. All the girls I teased as a teenager because I was deeply hurting inside. But even by punishing innocent people at the time, I was trying to feel better. It is no excuse! On the contrary. I am really sorry. I just didn’t know better.
Listening to ‚Happy’ puts me right back to the days when I still was afraid – afraid of life, afraid to change, afraid to love. It doesn‘t make me sad or anything. Honestly, I am just happy. I have finally found the courage to heal. To be better. To love deeply.
Keep on healing, you, guys. And: Find your wonderful selves by doing it!
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