Kategorie: Happy Anyways

I am thinking about all the drama I had in life. Growing up with a mom, who has been mentally ill probably since I was born, was just a given one. But that is a story I am gonna tell you guys another time. Most of the dramas were minor and about some boy.

I remember us girls, sitting outside a café, talking all summer, about nothing else than boys. We would analyze every word ‚our‘ guy said and wrote or sadly didn‘t. „What did he mean, B?“ „Why did he do that and this?“ „He is obviously jealous!“ „You know, he is too scared to fall for anyone.“ „Does he think about me as much as I think about him, S?“ „He will see the beauty in you, one day. Probably when it is too late.“ Questions over questions and a thousand different answers.

The girls and I were preferably queens reigning over a bunch of dumb heads we wanted to turn into kings. What a pointless undertaking! You can‘t turn someone into something they‘re not. Like a boy being man enough to stand up for himself or a pathological liar to be honest. It‘s useless. Every human being on this planet needs to understand their mechanisms first to be the best version of themselves. You know that, right? Yeah, we didn‘t at the time; we thought of us as fairies holding all the power to redeem those poor fellas. When in fact, we were the slaves of our own dramas reflected by boys incapable of love.

All we saw was the potential a guy had within himself. Like witches seeing through the bullshit some dude would pull off. No matter how big of a pile! I am sure, five out of ten, we were right about our diagnosis. But let me tell you: potential is just that. If you don‘t live up to it or at least try, you are just not as great. And if a guy doesn‘t get you, he probably won‘t in a month or two either ! I am not heartless nor do I mean to be presumptuous. It‘s just what I have learned.

I was never one to get carried away easily by some hottie shuffling nice words down my throat. When it comes to me, a guy needs to be much more subtle to get a slice of my attention. Don’t get me wrong! A part of me likes very much to be adored for whatever someone loves about me.

Of course I did fall for some players too or they did fall for me – as I am a good one myself didn‘t know that at the time though. I just ended up in longterm relationships with them. They were any thing but drama free. „I love him, but I can‘t bear him anymore. He has serious problems!“ It was stuff like that, which bothered me after a couple months in. Cheating would have been easy to deal with compared to the kind of issues I had in some of my relationships.

If you play with someones feelings, it says a whole lot more about you than the other person. The need to be loved that is greater than the courage to be honest. The incapacity to connect on a deeper level, because you are scared to get your heart broken. The aching void you try to fill with recognition.

You see, playing with someone is no better than get played by someone. I think both is equally hurtful to the people on each end. Even the message is likely the same: learn to love yourself.

I know it‘s hard to let go. But you got this! There is no point in spending time with someone you don’t really want to or who doesn‘t appreciate your essence. Trust life to hold only the best for you, especially when it hurts. Breath into the pain, use it to transform into someone who completely knows their power.

Dare to show your beautiful souls; be honest and stand up for yourselves, guys. That is the way I slowly have been letting go of drama in my life.

Don’t worry! I am gonna let you know, when I am drama free. Now, move on and enjoy life.

Nothing But the Truth
I would really like to tell you that I am perfect. But you and I know, there is no perfect in being human except being the way you are.

When I look in the mirror, I see someone I truly love. A woman, who makes me proud. A grown-up girl, who has gone through things and has overcome stuff. I don‘t think of it as an achievement. It’s about appreciating who I have become. It‘s about me feeling worth to deserve the best in life. It’s about letting go of any destructive behavior towards me and others. Don’t think this state-of-mind came easily to me! No, it has been a long time coming.

I have always been consistent in pursuing my happiness. Even in dark times, when I couldn‘t see any light in front of me, I knew: It is out there. Shining. Maybe to some of you that sounds cheesy, but to those who have been in the darkness, it probably doesn’t.

P!nk’s song ‚Happy’ tells a story that sounds a lot like mine and hit me right in the heart, you guys. I too am afraid of my own body sometimes, even hated it for not feeling the way I would like it to. I too have been scared to heal for a very long time. I also figured that I am scared to be happy because I am afraid to lose all over again.

All the sweet, little fortune – gone in seconds. The six-year-old me running home from a friend’s farm and just minutes later collapsing of an asthma attack. Getting cuddles from my mother and years later being abandoned by the very same person. Hundreds of incidents, significant or not, probably broke my trust towards life and left me miserable at the time.

Don’t get me wrong! There are at least a dozen people, who I hurt deeply too: My first love, whom I betrayed and lied to and whom I left with a bleeding heart. The sweet boy who fell for me and whom I rejected bitterly for it. All the girls I teased as a teenager because I was deeply hurting inside. But even by punishing innocent people at the time, I was trying to feel better. It is no excuse! On the contrary. I am really sorry. I just didn’t know better.

Listening to ‚Happy’ puts me right back to the days when I still was afraid – afraid of life, afraid to change, afraid to love. It doesn‘t make me sad or anything. Honestly, I am just happy. I have finally found the courage to heal. To be better. To love deeply.

Keep on healing, you, guys. And: Find your wonderful selves by doing it!

I talked to a friend of mine the other day. It was about living in these old buildings we Europeans love so much. Those kind of apartments with the plaster ceiling and the creaky parquet floors. The ones with the thin walls with no room for sensitive neighbors. Like the home me and my family live in.

I am gonna call her Carol. She is one of those neighbors who doesn‘t necessarily wants to be in anybody’s good grace, forget about being disturbed by any noise some would make by living in a home which happens to be above hers. I must say: at least she herself is as silent as a mouse – no door-slamming, yelling cow, caring for no other than herself.

You can imagine she had her share of neighborhood fights. Like the one she accidentally hammered a hole in her ceiling just to let Ms. and Mr. Whatever know they shouldn‘t shower at midnight nor slam the cupboard doors. Fortunately, she knows a very good painter and decorator. He fixed it in no time.

As we got to talk about how different I was and that I wouldn’t feel bothered as fast as she did, it got me thinking. Yes, I don‘t easily get thrown by noise. Except there is no noise within me! Do you know the feeling? These moments when you can’t handle children screaming in joy. Or happy laughter resounding in your ears? With no reason – just because?

“I Am OK – You Are OK” is a book my father handed to me when I was in my twenties. The author writes about the key to live a life in harmony through self-acceptance. A powerful tool I promise. For me reading those lines of that particular book was the beginning of a new road. It has led me to a long lasting, loving, relationship with myself. A love I have fully committed to.

What it has to do with anything? It’s about being aware of the mechanisms anyone has within themselves. The inner child, that is still afraid of feeling left out. The little one, that still isn’t heard. The girl, that is still drowning because of the chaos created by people who still aren’t listening.

Once you listen to your little girl or boy crying for help, the quieter it’s gonna get and the easier it‘s gonna be to handle other people and their doing. Whether they sneeze or talk to loud. Whether it‘s your lovely husband or else.

An insight I shared with my friend asking if in any way she related to my theory suggesting that one must calm its inner child to feel less disturbed by noisy sounds. She said, she would give it a thought, but actually never got back to me!

Next time somebody bothers you somehow challenge yourself to look closer; ask your younger self how it feels – let your thoughts and feelings show themselves. Got it? Then: Let it all go.

Works most of the times to get your peace back. Otherwise just have a nice talk with someone you love.

What it has to do with anything? It’s about being aware of the mechanisms anyone has within themselves. The inner child, that is still afraid of feeling left out. The little one, that still isn’t heard. The girl, that is still drowning because of the chaos created by people who still aren’t listening.

Once you hear that little girl or boy crying for your help, the quieter it’s gonna get and the easier it‘s gonna be to handle other people and their doing. Whether they sneeze or talk loud. Whether it‘s your lovely husband or else.

An insight I shared with my friend asking if in anyway she related to my theory suggesting that one has to calm its inner child to feel less disturbed by noisy sounds. She said, she would give it a thought, but actually never got back to me!

Next time somebody bothers you somehow challenge yourself to look closer; ask your younger self how it feels – let your thoughts and feelings show themselves. Got it? Then: Let it all go.

Works most of the times to get your peace back. Otherwise just have a nice talk with someone you love.